Would you have the guts to say,

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading

So sick and tired of all the needless beating

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

http://scriptsfromaclassicplay.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

i've changed my mobile's number. i've changed my msn add. i've get rid you off my mind. but why are you still haunting me? why.

why won't the fears go away.

you always make me feel harder to breathe. you always always make me feel so guilty. but why. why are you so sensitive?

you have yet to see the harsh part of me, and look at you now.i frankly seriously do not know what else to say or do, anymore, at all.

please please please stop behaving like a girl, damn it.
U R G H.

Monday, March 29, 2010

i have started using androgyne.mademoiselle@live.com for msn since yesterday. that account has only got 18 contacts. and now only three users is online. never been this pathetic. i ignored some other unknown requests though.

and well you can chuck off vintage27, for i'm sure i will no longer use that account. except for emails. that's about it.

i guess i'll be updating this blog much frequent than i used to.

& hell yeah. i miss my desktop so much, i really do. i wish i am not facing financial problems so that i could get a new cpu. i feel sad everytime i look at the monitor. pathetically being left alone on the computer table. she is sad. i can see.

i have to get myself ready in 10 minutes time. it feels good to be home and get lazy on this bed with this kind of weather, but i have to join the family for Dad's belated 57th.

dinner later. mini dinner for me though. will be having north indian food i guess? favourite, i love north indian food! but again, i can't eat much.

till then. evening, loves!

at first, and all these while, i thought she was such an amazing person. she was really cool. she didn't look like she bothers about that thing called love. till! i read her journal, and oh god. she has feelings.

i mean, well uhkay, i know everyone does. but i think, prolly, some of us hide alot. but as for me. i think i only hide a little. i show up quite much. when i'm angry, happy, sad, tired, troubled, i mostly express it on my face, or at the another side. or sometimes here.

but of course there are some things i hide too, knowing that i can't trust everyone, or maybe anyone. i can't simply show up everything.

but when i show up, i know some would have thought that i am dying for attention. but their thoughts don't matter to me. i don't live to please them.

oh and also for the fact that i've always fail on friendships i had with all the previous best friends, and now that i still do not have any, i think i really need to stop. stop trying to hope for a new one. i now believe that i do not need any best friend. (yes asfa, you're my inspiration, please be honoured.) well, except for my celly of course. yes my phone is my closestest best friend. so i would like to rephrase it. i do not need a human best friend.

not that it's hard to find a good man now. but a true best friend too. let's put it in a simple sentence. they're all pretenders.

or perhaps, they only care more of their happiness. not that i was trying to stop them from chasing their happiness. i never did. but would a real best friend chuck her best friend away after they found their own happiness?

ok, i am starting to be expressive and i should stop already damn it. it's all in the name of history. so fuck 'em all.

for now, i am happy for i still have my close friends. they understands me well and vice versa and i am glad they are always true and straight forward.

alhamdulillah. i can say that life is good for now.

Friday, March 26, 2010

i can't see myself with anyone else... but you ♥

and yes, i'm doing this again. i don't know if i'm being a fool again this time, but all i know, i am willing to sacrifice all my chances with others, for you. you may not notice all these, but i can't lie to myself. no, i won't.

this is what i always, and could only do. i'm not good at making moves. i am still noob at all these lovey dovey things. and yes, as long as my patience is here, as long as i can tolerate, as long as i am willing to wait, no matter how much it hurts, i will.

well, if only you knew.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

my mind and feelings are totally not stable, for now. i do not understand my own pathetic self either. there are times i feel like i really need you. there are times i don't. there are times i feel so happy when i think of you. but when the past suddenly linger on my mind, i got so afraid and immediately lost trust towards you. although it wasn't you who teared me apart. it's unfair i know.

my fears, they don't really stay. they come and go whenever they feel like to. i know it's ME. i am the one who could control and change all these. but i am just too weak. i just do not know how to. it's more like a phobia now.

and it's somekind of a mind game. which now involves feelings too. how sucky.

i hate my past so bad. i hate those two fuckers. those two who made me see the others all the same.

but you. i know you're different. i know you're nice, you're sincere. but i wasn't like this. i wasn't this bad. i wasn't this confusing. wasn't a hater. wasn't this judgmental. and still, i do not want to hurt you. even though i know, i did, plenty times.

this fears, phobias, or whatever shit you call it, is still here. sometimes it hides, sometimes it shows. i'm sorry. i just do not know what to do with myself.

and i, shall remain silent, and won't make a move. for i, do not want you to build anymore hopes.

i am not as nice as you are. forget me?

and i shall allow myself to go through all the shitty feelings during the times i need you. as i am so used to it, but i will be just fine.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

it has been two weeks i last had rice. and surprisingly it's kinda easy to control. uhm yeah, you got it right. i'm on diet.. once again.

also, starting from today, i'm gonna stop consuming fast food, processed food and meat too. yup. well, except for fish, that's it. i thought of stop eating bread too :/ but think again, if i were to stop eating em, then what else can i eat right.

i also record down everything that i ate on my mobile's notes.

going for night jog tonight. and gonna make it 3 times per week. maybe i should jog in the morning during my holidays, next week. i'm kinda a morning person now. weird, i know :/ thanks to school and work.

and i only consume plain water and fruits and nothing else after 6pm.

ok er i know i sounded like one diet maniac. (if there's such thing) but i really have too. i have to do all these. i must. and i know i can do this.

and, oh. amanda seyfried is my inspiration :) wish me well.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

i don't know what you see in me. i seriously don't. cos i believe if i am someone else, i wouldn't even want to be friends with me. you get it?

i am so full of flaws you see. i am a little sick in the head. i have weird moods. i talk a lot at times and appear silent the next second. i can get so high and annoy you to death. i make stupid crappy jokes. im such a bummer. i am not skinny. i am not attractive. i have a stucked up face that nobody likes. i swear a lot. i may appear religious at times, but i am such a big sinner. i am so shy. i am so confusing. i have zero confidence. and well, the list goes on...

prolly you've not seen me in all the behavior i mentioned above. you've not know me that well. doubt so you can accept everything about me. and it's not that i wasn't being myself when i was with you. that is just me. really.

well i always think that i am not made for anyone. it's either i am gonna die young or stay single for the whole life. lol, pathetic rightt. but that's the feeling i have since forever.

i am too hard to handle. that's what every guys thinks. and i don't think there's anyone else out there whose like me? ha.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Lynch puts it simply: “Capricorn, you better have something to impress them with.” You’re a no-nonsense kind of girl, and you’re not going to waste your time on just anyone. Your friends might call you picky, but you just know what you want and refuse to settle for less (though that does narrow the dating pool). That being said, you’re not about to bring on the drama, either. Astrology.com describes Capricorns as patient and says the goat sign won’t make waves, so you’re likely just fine with waiting for the right guy.

this is so true can?!

But baby, where they knock you down and out

Is where you oughta stay

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading So sick and tired of all the needless beating
	Wednesday, March 31, 2010 http://scriptsfromaclassicplay.blogspot.com/ Tuesday, March 30, 2010 i've changed my mobile's number. i've changed my msn add. i've get rid you off my mind. but why are you still haunting me? why. why won't the fears go away. you always make me feel harder to breathe. you always always make me feel so guilty. but why. why are you so sensitive? you have yet to see the harsh part of me, and look at you now.i frankly seriously do not know what else to say or do, anymore, at all. please please please stop behaving like a girl, damn it. U R G H. Monday, March 29, 2010 i have started using androgyne.mademoiselle@live.com for msn since yesterday. that account has only got 18 contacts. and now only three users is online. never been this pathetic. i ignored some other unknown requests though. and well you can chuck off vintage27, for i'm sure i will no longer use that account. except for emails. that's about it. i guess i'll be updating this blog much frequent than i used to. & hell yeah. i miss my desktop so much, i really do. i wish i am not facing financial problems so that i could get a new cpu. i feel sad everytime i look at the monitor. pathetically being left alone on the computer table. she is sad. i can see. i have to get myself ready in 10 minutes time. it feels good to be home and get lazy on this bed with this kind of weather, but i have to join the family for Dad's belated 57th. dinner later. mini dinner for me though. will be having north indian food i guess? favourite, i love north indian food! but again, i can't eat much. till then. evening, loves! at first, and all these while, i thought she was such an amazing person. she was really cool. she didn't look like she bothers about that thing called love. till! i read her journal, and oh god. she has feelings. i mean, well uhkay, i know everyone does. but i think, prolly, some of us hide alot. but as for me. i think i only hide a little. i show up quite much. when i'm angry, happy, sad, tired, troubled, i mostly express it on my face, or at the another side. or sometimes here. but of course there are some things i hide too, knowing that i can't trust everyone, or maybe anyone. i can't simply show up everything. but when i show up, i know some would have thought that i am dying for attention. but their thoughts don't matter to me. i don't live to please them. oh and also for the fact that i've always fail on friendships i had with all the previous best friends, and now that i still do not have any, i think i really need to stop. stop trying to hope for a new one. i now believe that i do not need any best friend. (yes asfa, you're my inspiration, please be honoured.) well, except for my celly of course. yes my phone is my closestest best friend. so i would like to rephrase it. i do not need a human best friend. not that it's hard to find a good man now. but a true best friend too. let's put it in a simple sentence. they're all pretenders. or perhaps, they only care more of their happiness. not that i was trying to stop them from chasing their happiness. i never did. but would a real best friend chuck her best friend away after they found their own happiness? ok, i am starting to be expressive and i should stop already damn it. it's all in the name of history. so fuck 'em all. for now, i am happy for i still have my close friends. they understands me well and vice versa and i am glad they are always true and straight forward. alhamdulillah. i can say that life is good for now. Friday, March 26, 2010 i can't see myself with anyone else... but you ♥ and yes, i'm doing this again. i don't know if i'm being a fool again this time, but all i know, i am willing to sacrifice all my chances with others, for you. you may not notice all these, but i can't lie to myself. no, i won't. this is what i always, and could only do. i'm not good at making moves. i am still noob at all these lovey dovey things. and yes, as long as my patience is here, as long as i can tolerate, as long as i am willing to wait, no matter how much it hurts, i will. well, if only you knew. Saturday, March 20, 2010 my mind and feelings are totally not stable, for now. i do not understand my own pathetic self either. there are times i feel like i really need you. there are times i don't. there are times i feel so happy when i think of you. but when the past suddenly linger on my mind, i got so afraid and immediately lost trust towards you. although it wasn't you who teared me apart. it's unfair i know. my fears, they don't really stay. they come and go whenever they feel like to. i know it's ME. i am the one who could control and change all these. but i am just too weak. i just do not know how to. it's more like a phobia now. and it's somekind of a mind game. which now involves feelings too. how sucky. i hate my past so bad. i hate those two fuckers. those two who made me see the others all the same. but you. i know you're different. i know you're nice, you're sincere. but i wasn't like this. i wasn't this bad. i wasn't this confusing. wasn't a hater. wasn't this judgmental. and still, i do not want to hurt you. even though i know, i did, plenty times. this fears, phobias, or whatever shit you call it, is still here. sometimes it hides, sometimes it shows. i'm sorry. i just do not know what to do with myself. and i, shall remain silent, and won't make a move. for i, do not want you to build anymore hopes. i am not as nice as you are. forget me? and i shall allow myself to go through all the shitty feelings during the times i need you. as i am so used to it, but i will be just fine. Wednesday, March 17, 2010 it has been two weeks i last had rice. and surprisingly it's kinda easy to control. uhm yeah, you got it right. i'm on diet.. once again. also, starting from today, i'm gonna stop consuming fast food, processed food and meat too. yup. well, except for fish, that's it. i thought of stop eating bread too :/ but think again, if i were to stop eating em, then what else can i eat right. i also record down everything that i ate on my mobile's notes. going for night jog tonight. and gonna make it 3 times per week. maybe i should jog in the morning during my holidays, next week. i'm kinda a morning person now. weird, i know :/ thanks to school and work. and i only consume plain water and fruits and nothing else after 6pm. ok er i know i sounded like one diet maniac. (if there's such thing) but i really have too. i have to do all these. i must. and i know i can do this. and, oh. amanda seyfried is my inspiration :) wish me well. Tuesday, March 16, 2010 i don't know what you see in me. i seriously don't. cos i believe if i am someone else, i wouldn't even want to be friends with me. you get it? i am so full of flaws you see. i am a little sick in the head. i have weird moods. i talk a lot at times and appear silent the next second. i can get so high and annoy you to death. i make stupid crappy jokes. im such a bummer. i am not skinny. i am not attractive. i have a stucked up face that nobody likes. i swear a lot. i may appear religious at times, but i am such a big sinner. i am so shy. i am so confusing. i have zero confidence. and well, the list goes on... prolly you've not seen me in all the behavior i mentioned above. you've not know me that well. doubt so you can accept everything about me. and it's not that i wasn't being myself when i was with you. that is just me. really. well i always think that i am not made for anyone. it's either i am gonna die young or stay single for the whole life. lol, pathetic rightt. but that's the feeling i have since forever. i am too hard to handle. that's what every guys thinks. and i don't think there's anyone else out there whose like me? ha. Monday, March 8, 2010 Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Lynch puts it simply: “Capricorn, you better have something to impress them with.” You’re a no-nonsense kind of girl, and you’re not going to waste your time on just anyone. Your friends might call you picky, but you just know what you want and refuse to settle for less (though that does narrow the dating pool). That being said, you’re not about to bring on the drama, either. Astrology.com describes Capricorns as patient and says the goat sign won’t make waves, so you’re likely just fine with waiting for the right guy. this is so true can?!
But baby, where they knock you down and out Is where you oughta stay